the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero

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My dear wife gives her Dragon’s Treasure Award to our daughter’s Tumblr– but this is no mere nepotism– this is where her art REALLY shines. Please have a look and give her some blog love.

Originally posted on The Dragon's Lair:

Blog ButtonThis week’s recipient of the Dragon’s Treasure Blog award is ask-Lillia-the-fan-troll.  Now, I’m not going to lie to you.  This blog belongs to my daughter.  With that knowledge, I know quite a number of you are going to scream “nepotism” at me.

Hear me out.

My daughter draws nearly everything in this blog HERSELF.  Seriously!  She made up her own cast of characters: 6 trolls and 2 humans.

“Wait.  What?”  I hear you saying.

I hear your confusion and answer it with this:  Homestuck

Don’t ask me to explain.  It’s way too long and complicated for that.  Suffice it to say that, in a nutshell, everyone dies.  In the fandom, however, everyone fights over “‘ships” (short for relationships) which is much more relevant to this because it’s fan made.

Now then, back to why I chose this blog.

This is why.

tumblr_nu6dt38c7h1ucv4n1o1_1280So congratulations, Yellow_Neru.  I hope you display your…

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The murky depths, far, far from the Community Pool

I seem to be beyond notice.  11 years, and I get so few comments.


I’m not looking for Freshly Pressed.  I have ceased caring about that.


I don’t want to be special.  I don’t want to be brave.  I just want to belong.  I started this blog to come to grips with the awful abuse my mother and others heaped on me.  11 years later, the world seems to be telling me, over and over, that most people do not care.  This space right here, it’s just not hitting people’s vibes.  It’s beyond their notice.


Oh, and third wave radical feminists are especially unwelcome here.  I don’t need some random bitches telling me I’m so part of the oppression.  Sadly, that’s likely to include a cousin, but ironically, she’s the only one from that branch of the family that can even be bothered to talk to me.  The others, who I used to be a lot closer to- no, they don’t care.  They don’t.  They already have their pity party on Facebook, or, whatever.  Well, there’s the Star Wars & “my man” couple.  Whatever.


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Lessons from my Therapist: Johari Window

Dear readers:

My therapist introduced me to the concept of the Johari window yesterday.  I had Boy with me, because I needed Cimmy to do some grocery shopping.  When she returned, and joined my session, my therapist introduced me to this concept, to help Cimmy and I understand how we perceive each other.

Will you do me a favor, please?  Please help me understand this concept by adding words you feel describe me, right here.


(known to self and others)

complex, introverted, knowledgeable, reflective, self-conscious

Blind Spot

(known only to others)

able, adaptable, bold, brave, caring, dignified, extroverted, friendly, helpful, intelligent, kind, loving, observant, proud, responsive, silly, trustworthy


(known only to self)



(known to nobody)

accepting, calm, cheerful, clever, confident, dependable, energetic, giving, happy, idealistic, independent, ingenious, logical, mature, modest, nervous, organised, patient, powerful, quiet, relaxed, religious, searching, self-assertive, sensible, sentimental, shy, spontaneous, sympathetic, tense, warm, witty

Dominant Traits

60% of people think that jaklumen is brave
60% of people think that jaklumen is caring

All Percentages

able (20%) accepting (0%) adaptable (20%) bold (20%) brave (60%) calm (0%) caring (60%) cheerful (0%) clever (0%) complex (20%) confident (0%) dependable (0%) dignified (20%) energetic (0%) extroverted (20%) friendly (20%) giving (0%) happy (0%) helpful (20%) idealistic (0%) independent (0%) ingenious (0%) intelligent (40%) introverted (40%) kind (20%) knowledgeable (20%) logical (0%) loving (20%) mature (0%) modest (0%) nervous (0%) observant (20%) organised (0%) patient (0%) powerful (0%) proud (20%) quiet (0%) reflective (20%) relaxed (0%) religious (0%) responsive (20%) searching (0%) self-assertive (0%) self-conscious (20%) sensible (0%) sentimental (0%) shy (0%) silly (20%) spontaneous (0%) sympathetic (0%) tense (0%) trustworthy (40%) warm (0%) wise (0%) witty (0%)

Created by the Interactive Johari Window on 7.11.2015, using data from 5 respondents.
You can make your own Johari Window, or view jaklumen’s full data.

Affirmations from my therapist: Getting Better

Candle in the window



Bringing this up from the archive; #domesticviolence was an actual thing for us. (Really, really.)

Originally posted on the tao of jaklumen:

Candle in the window by jaklumen & family
Candle in the window, a photo by jaklumen & family on Flickr.

I love you, my dear, every time I go

You have a way to let me know

No matter how upset I may be

I know when I return, I can always see

That signal waiting home for me

Welcoming me home with light so low

That sign so warm, that candle in the window.

A candle in the window like this always let me know that it was okay to come home, after an argument.

Prayers and warm regards to Bill Hamilton (who is dealing with COPD), samara’s BFF (who is dealing with cancer), and a good friend of mine (who is dealing with T-cell lymphoma).

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Cimmorene remembers: Sacrifice (…the father becomes the son.)

From REBLOG: …the father becomes the son. (more thoughts) August 14, 2015:

About a week ago, Cimmorene remembered where she was during my father’s near-death experience, and the weight of the sacrifice that I made to encourage my father to resume his life, so mine could begin.

Anyone who thinks the term “soulmate” is the stuff of cheesy Hollywood romantic fairytales and is nothing but fluff and shiny optimism, I must tell you, dear readers– in my experience, it’s a lie.

It’s true that Cimmorene and I remember a life together before mortality.  We remember bonds that have been forged and reforged many times.  But for all the light, wonderment, and immense awe, there is sorrow, darkness, and pain.  There is anticipation of regret even before the blood, sweat, and tears began.

As usual, she remembered something I did not.  She said that for that small moment, it was like I wasn’t there anymore.  After much reflection, I remembered that I didn’t want to leave her side, but I had to.  I had to.  Much planning, work, and preparations were at risk.

It was a shock when I saw him.  He was wandering around aimlessly, obviously not in his body.  He was NOT supposed to be here.

“What are you doing here?  You need to go back, and be my father, just as we planned!”

“I’m tired.  I hurt.  I don’t want to go back to a broken body.”

“But you need to go back!  We agreed!”

If he died, I would have to start all over again.  Everything we had planned on would have to be redone.  My life would have a completely different foundation.

It was obvious that I was not going to persuade him by plans of the future.  I would have to appeal to his here and now.

“What about your family now?  Won’t they miss you?”

I didn’t know the ties of mortality yet.  But even his present family ties didn’t seem to be enough.  I needed something more.

“I… I will carry a part of that pain for you.”

“You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes… yes, I do.”

Cimmorene said we took time to ratify it with Father.  I was reminded that it was a heavy sacrifice; that I might regret this decision.  I said I was sure.  I was told that my choice was right.

And so my father chose to live.  We helped him back into his body and said our goodbyes for the moment being.  Some time after he departed from us, then, Cimmy said, then, I wept.

I have only begun to realize the full weight of the pain, the suffering.  But I know that chose this.  I did it… because I had to.  No matter how much I have been tempted to regret this, I know that I had to.  But now, the empathy is visceral.  So many days we compare notes on pain.  It’s not exactly the same, of course, but much we need not explain to each other.  We live it.  Many days, he still wants to die, but I remind him he’s still needed.  The time is not yet.  It will come, most likely the moment I must begin to prepare for something more.



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