the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero

Why Trust is Worth It – With Ze Frank & Cirque du Soleil

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I’m more familiar with Ze Frank’s humorous videos, but he does some serious ones every now and then.

This one hit home for me, very deep.  Trust is hard for survivors, especially when it’s been ripped from us at a tender age and often in brutal ways, sometimes in ways that can’t easily be seen or even noticed.

Please, dear readers, watch this video.  It’s relatively short, but I am sure it will be worth your time.

p.s. I’m still on hiatus, sort of.  I’ll be happy to respond to your comments, but things are still pretty raw and painful right now.  If I don’t get back to you right away, know that I will get back to you, in time.  Thanks for your support, and understanding– as always!

cPTSD word cluster


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jak is down for (re)construction

Dear readers,

I am in a dark, dark, dark spot– hopefully the last of dark, before the light.

I feel SO angry.  I feel SO betrayed, SO used.

I don’t know how to explain it without risking alienating some of you, without risking losing your support.  Maybe I’ll be able to talk about it some when I get back.

But I’ve got to go away for a while.  Go away and see if I can get some of these festering inner wounds to heal.  Go away and hope that maybe others will forget, although I will probably always remember, and probably never EVER trust them again.

I know that I’m dealing with cPTSD.  I… don’t expect you to ever understand, unless you’re experiencing this, too.

This is an image I found by way of Google Image search– but it’s from a dear woman named Lilly (https://healingfromcomplextraumaandptsd.wordpress.com) who I’ve talked to some. She is AWESOME. She knows this. She is one who has really helped me understand cPTSD; because she’s been there. I aspire to her courage, openness, and strength.

Goodbye for now, dear readers.  I hope to be back soon.  We’ll see.

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A Blogger’s Journey: Seizing the Sword/Grasping the Hammer

jaklumen:

Tonight, my father and I talked about complex PTSD, my experience with it, and the latest on my family and our journey of late.

I’m not sure how to tell him he has suffered abuse, too, although some things he’s said he seems to understand this on some level.

Originally posted on the tao of jaklumen:

JOR-EL: The Kryptonian prophecy will be at last fulfilled. The son becomes the father – the father becomes the son.

I am one with my father. Our struggles are now acknowledged to be intertwined. But it is not so… elegant as Jor-El and Kal-El becoming one. We are united in our pain (and I could sense it for so many years).

United in abuse.

My friend Bobbi Parish told me last night that his immune disorders, the pancreatitis, and so on– are marks of long-term abuse. Abuse from his father, my grandfather, who beat him when he spasmed in the night, not knowing what else to do. Abuse from my mother and her parents, my grandparents, who witheringly disapproved of him for many, many years.  And more… more I am probably unaware of consciously.

I see abuse as a corruption to our natural weaknesses, marinating in fear, hatred, and…

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Sex Ed in School?

jaklumen:

As survivors of abuse, Cimmorene and I feel that education about sex and sexuality is important, to empower our children against such abuse. But where does this fit in public schooling? mewhoami shares her experience that some schools (such as her son’s high school) may have gone to the extreme.

Originally posted on Me - Who am I?:

sex ed

Earlier this year, I had opted my son out of a sex ed class that they were having in his high school. Given his disability and current mental age, I didn’t feel that such a class was necessary. Plus, this is something that he and I discuss at home, more and more as he gets older. So he didn’t attend the class.

Fast forward a few months to this week…

During a meeting with his teachers, I was handed the lesson material that was used in that class, the same handbook that was given to the children. I opened it up when I got home, and my eyes got as big as golf balls as my jaw hit the floor.

It was by far the most pornographic thing I had seen in years. Typically a person would have to go to the adult section of a bookstore to find such…

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The 10 Year Blogging Journey


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A Blogger’s Journey: Seizing the Sword/Grasping the Hammer

JOR-EL: The Kryptonian prophecy will be at last fulfilled. The son becomes the father – the father becomes the son.

I am one with my father. Our struggles are now acknowledged to be intertwined. But it is not so… elegant as Jor-El and Kal-El becoming one. We are united in our pain (and I could sense it for so many years).

United in abuse.

My friend Bobbi Parish told me last night that his immune disorders, the pancreatitis, and so on– are marks of long-term abuse. Abuse from his father, my grandfather, who beat him when he spasmed in the night, not knowing what else to do. Abuse from my mother and her parents, my grandparents, who witheringly disapproved of him for many, many years.  And more… more I am probably unaware of consciously.

I see abuse as a corruption to our natural weaknesses, marinating in fear, hatred, and evil suffering. In Superman III (sadly, mostly a really bad film, due, I think, to the wrath of the producers), August “Gus” Gorman analyzes the known kryptonite sample from a meteorite crash in order to synthesize it. Finding a portion is an unknown substance, he replaces it with an ingredient he finds on a pack of cigarettes– tar. After exposing the imperfectly synthesized kryptonite to Superman, Gus realizes it didn’t have the intended effect. Instead, Superman is vulnerable to the toxic emotions and vices of mortality. (See also A Hero’s Journey: Superman & the Ordeal.)

So Kal-El had to grapple with that weakness, and fully reconcile Clark Kent with Superman.

Thus I have realized my quest to overcome childhood abuse is not just for myself, but for my family- generations before, and generations after. The goal is not only to Seize the Sword, but also to grasp the Hammer that will rebuild.

So I stumble through the #CSAQT and #sexabusechats, watch the Trauma Recovery University Google Hangouts, make my Sanity Street Signs to understand it all (drawing deep on past art projects), cry, rage, and carry on, as best I can.

campbell-cave

See also

An Artist’s Journey: Get The Balance Right!

and

TToT: Seizing the Sword of Trauma and a path to healing

Work In Progress v. 2


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More tests/trials – my father is in the hospital

So tired.  So frazzled.  Dad had gallstones, gallbladder, appendix removed because of pancreatitis.

20h-22h Monday night, administering a religious blessing to my father, with help from his church home teacher, waiting, helping Mom get set up to stay the night– she’s still there as of an hour ago.

Very, very, very difficult to articulate this clearly.  Do not know what to say.  Some on Twitter know.  Have no idea if you dear readers have seen what I’ve said.  Feel alone.  Feel scared, angry.  CPS worker visited today.  Very tired from cleaning up house.  Daughter does not want to help, ignoring Cimmy and I.

Okay then.


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The Wilderness

jaklumen:

Please read. A subtext of the Hero’s Journey is Jungian archetypes and reconnecting with the true feminine and masculine. Robert Bly (Iron John: A Book about Men), Robert Moore and Douglas Gillette (King, Warrior, Magician, Lover: Rediscovering the Archetypes of the Mature Masculine), Marion Woodman (The Maiden King: The Reunion of Masculine and Feminine, with Robert Bly) and many others have written about this.

Elisabeth writes about taking the Path of the Wilderness, and resurrecting the inner feminine that she had rejected in the face of childhood abuse.

Originally posted on Beating Trauma:

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As a trauma survivor in recovery, I have spent a long time in the wilderness. It isn’t an actual wilderness. I am not a fan of the outdoors. Nature and my dissociative defense mechanism are not compatible. I am speaking of the wilderness that is often the subject of the spiritual texts. It seems that before most protagonists find their mission or purpose, there is some period of waiting. There is some period of preparing, of letting go of the old.  And it makes sense to me. I don’t see another way. If the foundation is shaky, it cannot be built upon.

But I hate it.

I carry a large amount of masculine energy with me. I rejected that which was feminine many years ago in my attempts to avoid the loathing that my parents spewed upon their little girls. I figured that if the feminine was so easily abused…

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