Twitter seems to mean more now that I see blogging friends are there.
But oh, what a very frightening ride.
The tragedy in Santa Barbara is shaking the Internet right down to its roots. The blogosphere and Twitter are lighting up, ablaze with #YesAllWomen hashtags and thoughts about how women face harassment on a regular basis.
This was right before I was starting to open up about the horrible abuse I faced at the hands of women.
(leaving out some tweets mentioning harassment at work by women, catcalls crossing the street at uni, and my LiveJournal stalker)
As Suzie said at her blog:
No means no if you’re a man or woman.
The cutting truth is abuse is still abuse. And we’ve got some double standards in Western society.
The girl at LiveJournal that stalked me, once I wandered into her online community, decided I’d be her little slave for her sex jollies. Was I aroused? Disgustingly, yes. But that didn’t mean I really thought it was enjoyable. I was relieved, actually, when Cimmy found out– sometimes, a person doesn’t stop until someone of their same sex or gender sets them straight.
And Cimmy is curious and stubborn enough that yes, she’ll help me out. Incidentally, it works both ways. It’s not always about the hulking white knight saving the lady from a boorish ruffian.
Some folks think flirting is a game. I don’t. So it was exceedingly irritating for girls at a couple of jobs I had to flirt with me when I really wasn’t wanting it, and it was just for their own amusement. The rough, crude way of saying it is “cocktease”, but actually, I wasn’t interested. It was even more irritating when I was dating someone and the girl still wouldn’t stop.
The sorority girls at Whitman were a nightmare. I sincerely regret saying what I did– it was very much a mistake– but that harassment genuinely didn’t end until I pulled all my contact information (including from the alumni database) and left the school, and the town of Walla Walla.
Don’t get me wrong, dear readers. Elliot Rodger is a detestable conceited douchetanker and it’s unfortunate he died before the cops could get to him. It’s even more of a tragedy no one took his mother more seriously– she had warned people he could be dangerous. I hope his father’s Hollywood career is busted, if he’s even the least bit accountable for Elliot’s disgusting attitudes– and yes, I mean before the crimes were committed.
But this opens deep wounds… I can see people crying vengeance for women, but… the three people he stabbed were men. No means no if you’re a man or woman. Violence and abuse is wrong, whether it’s by men or women, and whether it’s towards men or women.
Sure, abuse, harassment, and bullying disproportionately affects women. That doesn’t mean it’s less significant when it does happen to men.
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the tao of jaklumen 
May 26, 2014 at 18:13
Absolutely true. No one should have to be subjected to what you describe.
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May 27, 2014 at 06:20
No should always mean and be treated as NO. I am not even sure, in today’s society, we can say it happens more to woman because of the things I have seen and heard. There are some mean woman out there and some pretty insecure men…it goes both ways.
http://hastywords.wordpress.com/2012/11/14/your-kind-of-love-ended-trust-for-me/
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May 27, 2014 at 06:50
I didn’t include everything here. Yes, no doubt that it happens more to women, but, I’m going to hazard a bet men’s stories are under reported. Why do I say that? Because many of these stories I have almost never talked about– some happened over 20-25 years ago.
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May 27, 2014 at 06:53
Like I said in today’s society we can no longer say it is a gender dominated problem. Abuse doesn’t discriminate.
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May 27, 2014 at 06:54
Without a doubt. It doesn’t discriminate, and it cuts everyone just as deep.
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May 27, 2014 at 18:17
Completely agree– sexual abuse or harassment knows no gender.
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May 27, 2014 at 21:39
I’m so glad you weighed in and wrote this, in spite of how very NOT glad I am that you had to go through so much. It’s utterly unacceptable and I’m very pleased that you’ve dug deep and shared these things in spite of how distasteful it must be to remember them to the point of writing.
There is so much furore because of the twisted manifesto and whatever of Rodgers, and it really bugs me that this event is being used divisively, pitching men and women against one another, as though there is some kind of point to be scored from winning at the expense of the other side.
There is a historical and social precedent of women being oppressed by men but this does NOT mean that oppression the other way around doesn’t occur.
This conversation needs your voice – thank you for providing it.
But still, back to my concern about this whole debacle – now what?
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May 28, 2014 at 07:22
I think that’s just it– we need to address the divisive part.
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May 28, 2014 at 07:56
Doing my best 🙂
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May 28, 2014 at 08:12
I have a concern, Lizzi, that I have not been able to articulate very well. I think, in part, that the divisiveness has been cultivated as a distraction. I think there are instances where the playing field has been leveled AGAINST men. I don’t mean to say that the wrongs against women aren’t still happening, as they most certainly are, but I think the pendulum has swung back in some ways and instances. Most women I speak to (including friends and family) are most definitely supportive of equality, but I am concerned that the inequality continues, and now is in the other direction.
And I fear that even if I am extremely careful in how I say things, I will be punished by mob opinion. I don’t want to sound like I wear a tinfoil hat, but I’m not sure how to be heard.
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May 28, 2014 at 08:37
YES YES YES YES! You know what, I have heard that opinion from others. I have seen it written, quietly and hesitantly, and I definitely think that in the West, this is absolutely the case. And it’s just as unacceptable.
I think this whole thing is a smokescreen, getting people amped up and yelling at one another, whilst injustices go unchallenged and to me, that is NOT OKAY.
I would love to see you write more on this, but I know there would be backlash – and should there be? NO! #YesAll
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May 28, 2014 at 18:44
Such good points made here! I agree with all. Too many “sick” individuals out there.
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May 28, 2014 at 22:39
A wonderful blogger named Samantha (@ a blog called S. Owens Writes) reminded me at Daile’s blog that Rodgers was horridly racist as well as misogynist. From what a friend had showed me, yes, I had noticed that. So much hate in such a young man.
I shudder to think what his father is like. Hopefully his career in Hollywood is finished. His mother tried to warn people her son was potentially dangerous, so I take that as a sign she did her best.
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May 29, 2014 at 13:07
I’m sorry I’m just getting to this, but it was so worth the wait. Wow. VERY sorry anything like this ever happened to you. You are right. It is a genderless problem. I think it’s almost like bullying when women toy with men in this manner. It’s ugly and abusive. I understand your hesitance to write about it (as I see in your reply to Lizzi), but I hope you know most women would empathize with and support you (or any man) writing about this from a man’s perspective.
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May 29, 2014 at 14:34
Thanks again, Beth. I’m still readjusting my mindset– LiveJournal and VOX had a lot of drama, and I just tended to be a magnet for it. I’m sure you’re right, but the positive response I’ve been receiving on WordPress is still a bit new to me. It’s most welcomed, for sure (and I’ve been saying as much), but it’s an adjustment.
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