A Blogger’s Journey: The hidden beginning

December 2, 2013 by jaklumen 4 Comments

This actually was my first post on LiveJournal, on November 12th:

(it’s been so long that I forgot I had to be logged in to see restricted posts):

groups: Julie [this is my wife, and was locked to only her at the time]

mood: nervous [I did not like the prospect of sharing myself to the public]

music: “Head Like A Hole“– NIN
[from Pretty Hate Machine, of course– played this during my last OD, or anytime I was terrified]

And so all things begin.

Nycci told me about LiveJournal, suggesting that it might be a good idea to write down my thoughts– to make them solid. This all came about through roleplay on #cam-mage on IRC, through our characters… her character Dani Fox said the magic phrase “men suck” which means fairly little to my character, but just pushes a bright red button for me. I graciously separated myself from my character, and explained such, and hence her suggestion.

Spoiler: it would be years before I came to accept how my mother abused me emotionally, mentally, and even sexually.  (It also took some time before I felt comfortable sharing these posts with even my wife– this post originally was completely private.)

The next post is… much too painful to share right now.  Some of you recall me saying that I was accused of rape, and I got into a roleplay that triggered memories of that.  It didn’t help that the gamer in question was a bit predatory, and there was a lot of blurring of boundary lines as far as intimacy (it led to sexual content).  The flashbacks were awful, and I forgot that I had written about awakenings of bondage kink, dirty rumors, and a twisted sort of “sackcloth and ashes”.

The next post still delves into my struggles with my orientation, my fear and loathing of women– just really dark stuff I’m not sure how to address properly.

Next post in the series: Why do I write about this 10-yr blogging journey?