And so all things begin.
Nycci told me about LiveJournal, suggesting that it might be a good idea to write down my thoughts– to make them solid. This all came about through roleplay on #cam-mage on IRC, through our characters… her character Dani Fox said the magic phrase “men suck” which means fairly little to my character, but just pushes a bright red button for me. I graciously separated myself from my character, and explained such, and hence her suggestion.
Spoiler: it would be years before I came to accept how my mother abused me emotionally, mentally, and even sexually. (It also took some time before I felt comfortable sharing these posts with even my wife– this post originally was completely private.)
The next post is… much too painful to share right now. Some of you recall me saying that I was accused of rape, and I got into a roleplay that triggered memories of that. It didn’t help that the gamer in question was a bit predatory, and there was a lot of blurring of boundary lines as far as intimacy (it led to sexual content). The flashbacks were awful, and I forgot that I had written about awakenings of bondage kink, dirty rumors, and a twisted sort of “sackcloth and ashes”.
The next post still delves into my struggles with my orientation, my fear and loathing of women– just really dark stuff I’m not sure how to address properly.