the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero


I Am So Tired Right Now

If it isn’t already bleedingly obvious right now, I’m on a blogging hiatus.

I am so tired.


A quick note- there will be a little salt in the following words.  If coarse language offends you, I won’t be offended in turn if you gloss over the next parts, or even stop reading.  I will be grateful if you continue, however.

Hit the road, Jill

I trounced Boy’s ABA therapist.  As in I told her to get out.  Then, I could only take so much of her boss blowing smoke up my ass.  It’s a semi-long story that I just don’t have time or energy to elaborate on right now.

I am very excited to have a new artist- Saphyre Rain- to write press for We Heart Music.  (What’s We Heart Music?  For those who haven’t been here over the long, long slog, leave me a comment, and I’ll explain.  For now: a music blog I wrote for back in the day.)  It’s comprised of a husband and wife duo singing about hope for suicide and self-harm issues, which are very personal and important to me.  I’ve been corresponding with Amanda, the singer/guitarist of the group, and she’s been very congenial… I’m grateful she specifically asked me to take my time.

Errrrrgggh, this is so frustrating.  I’m really frustrated!

I’m so frustrated, in a certain way.  cough No, won’t elaborate.  It doesn’t help that Cimmorene has a new memory about being molested by a caregiver when she was 3.  Why thank you, fate.  Yes, I will have another bitch slap, please.

More work on this post than I was expecting.  I’m still tired.

It takes effort to distill thoughts to 120 characters, but Twitter is less exhausting… as was discussed in the previous post.


Another catching up with jaklumen & family

Just some highlights:

Neru’s online friend, apparently, is a dirty middle-aged man trying to groom her?  I told my father- how are we going to honestly file a report when we have no return address or full name?

I had a hot date with Cimmorene, a CT machine, a radioactive isotope, and a nuclear bone scanner Tuesday.

Wednesday was meeting with the doctor, getting poked AGAIN for the second day in a row, and showing Dad how my stereo stuff I gave to him years ago works.

Poor Skittles (my parents’ cat).  He skewered himself in the pit of his right front leg, and he has to wear a cone of shame.  He is miserable being confined inside.  If we cat-sit for him next week (parents are going to Utah for my brother-in-law and niece’s birthdays), we may need to spend a LOT of laptime with him.

More to come, dear readers.  Stay tuned


I STILL want a dog.

Dear readers, I’m a church-going religious man.

I don’t talk about it much because I really don’t want to hurt anyone that’s been burned by organized religion.  But I mention this because yesterday was tough.  I was home, in terrible pain.  I just couldn’t seem to get ready on time and told Cimmy to go ahead and take the kids without me.

I saw these images slowly appear in our mutually shared Dropbox. Cimmy uses a Samsung Galaxy tablet, and since Boy destroyed our Canon PowerShot, it’s now the primary photography tool.  Because Cimmy is a little bit protective of her technology, it now means she’s also our principal photographer right now.

This evoked a FLOOD of emotions.  If you don’t follow all the links, dear readers, just observe that I have blogged about wanting a dog, and researching service and therapy options, for at least five years, or more:


JJQ#18: Pets


I want a dog.


More on the service dog quest.


Yet more on the dog quest


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REBLOG: Masks Aren’t a Precious Asset (

From Matthew Eaton: Writer | Child Abuse Survivor, Writer, Blogger- Finding My Voice One Post At A Time

Masks Aren’t a Precious Asset –.

Matt is using, which is the full-on, DIY, self-hosted WP.  Maybe there’s a plug-in that would allow reblogging, but, none that I know of.  If I wasn’t so horridly in pain, I would have done the proper blog thing and wrote up a lovely comprehensive post of my own, instead of using the “Press This” bookmarklet.

Anyways, to my point- someone caught me wearing my mask a few weeks ago.  I waited for things to blow over before making an apology, but, they didn’t, and I was compelled by said person’s spouse to give one.

Please, read Matt’s post, to understand this mask analogy.


A Journey of Recovery: Staples are out


Ooh, the staples! (25th of January, 2015)

laminectomy scar

Animated GIF of the nurse removing the staples (27th of January, 2015)
staples out


Visualize my Chronic Pain

Something my father sent to me tonight (especially as he relates to it):

Full body fire.  Or pins.  Or numbness.  It varies.

Full body fire. Or pins. Or numbness. It varies.

I am still waiting and waiting for surgery. The nurses have to figure out where my orthopedic surgeon will do the procedure before they can submit it to the insurance.

Oh yay.

And I broke a tooth, so, there’s that. Will try to get to the dentist first thing tomorrow.

I had a look at the site mentioned on the image.  It’s a good one, and it seems to cover many of the issues I know some of you dear readers deal with.  Have a look.  If you’re on Facebook (I’m not, but still), it looks like they have a very strong presence there.  (It seems this image is from the Facebook page specifically, not the main website.)


Trial stim a success– permanent to come

Click through if image isn’t already big enough


So the leads are out of my body, since the trial period is over.  All in all, it was a big success.  I was able to sleep better… I was awake before Cimmy and the kids were every single day of the trial– even as early as 04:30, and I wasn’t tired later in the day.  It was easier to go out, although having a chord coming out of my back was still a bit awkward.  For example, I went to a meeting with two of my daughter’s teachers, and I didn’t dread going (because I was usually grumpy and anti-social with all the pain).




Overall, my mood and alertness has been a lot better.




So what now?  Well, it’s waiting for insurance to approve the permanent procedure, which would involve a battery being implanted under my skin– probably just above my left buttock.  It might look similar to this, but lower down the spine:




English: Anterior view X-ray of a Medtronic Sp...


Enhanced by ZemantaWhat I really like is the surgeon I asked to be referred to was the one that did my fusion surgery.  The only thing is I’ll have to tell his nurse practitioner– “You said don’t come back for 10 years… sorry it’s a bit sooner than that.  If this goes as well as the trial, maybe I won’t come back for another 10, or whenever the battery needs to be charged.”

It’s Electric! (Q & A Time for the Electric Slide… errr, Fence)


Ooo, it’s shocking!

backside layout

Picking up from where I left off with Electric Fences and Spinal Cord Stim and The trial version of the electric fence

I’ve been putting my Medtronic representative Nick through his paces– I managed to ask a question he hadn’t heard before:

“Can I still use my TENS unit while on the trial period?”

Now, I found out the answers are more concrete about the permanent procedure (where the battery is implanted under my skin instead of a cord to an external battery coming out of my back, like it is now) than the trial procedure.  But, to sum up, the answer was basically don’t have both stim systems going at the same time.  Where some people go back to physiotherapy after the permanent procedure is done, some of their physiotherapists call Meditronic and ask similar questions, and this is much of the answer they give them.  I was also told that it was unwise to put the electrodes for a TENS unit over the implanted battery (e.g., again, after the permanent procedure).

It was heartening to have Nick tell me I was a “poster child” for the procedure, i.e., I was taking everything fairly realistically and in stride.  It was also heartening to have him echo similar sentiments to my doctor, in that I was level-headed about it all.

But speaking of questions, do you have any more?  Please, don’t hesitate to ask!  I promise I won’t be offended or intimidated– I believe in asking questions as means to educate.


Something new to my blogging style: This post was inspired by Joy at Joynpain2. My doctor and his partner had trouble inserting the leads as far up as they wanted to put them, because apparently, there was adhesions/scar tissue blocking the way, and causing the lead to bow out.  I thought of Joy, as she writes about her struggles with pelvic and abdominal adhesions.  It hurt a lot as the doctor kept poking– as Joy also writes about chronic pain, it was nice to think of a friend.

And as Zoe says at behindthemaskofabuse says, there is hope!

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