the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero


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The son becomes the father… (Yoke of Generations)

Marlon Brando as Jor-El, with Kal-El played by...

Marlon Brando as Jor-El, with Kal-El played by Lee Quigley. Superman: The Movie Magazine (Photo credit: Wikipedia)

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As soon as we could get our wits about us, we rushed off to the ER, to Boy a medical examination.  He’d just had a seizure- not a grand mal, but still a seizure.  It wasn’t like the tonic spasms my father and I have from time to time, of course.  We’d find later, after he slept and slept, that he had no memory of the episode.

As Cimmy always does, she asked me to religiously administer to him, to give him a Priesthood blessing.  As I meditated and focused on clearing my mind, to let spiritual inspiration flow freely, a glimpse of a memory flashed through my brain.

My son was part of this, too.  He had agreed to take on a part of the burdens of my mortality, which I in turn had taken a part from my father.

JOR-EL: You did this of your own free will, in spite of all I could say to dissuade you…

Cimmorene desperately had wanted to share the load, but I could not acquiesce.  But my son would not be denied.  He understood the pattern.  And our Eternal Father- I feel that he smiled, as if to acknowledge something great had been accomplished.

JOR-EL: ..the circle is now complete..

I could see both sides, now.

JOR-EL: Now, you have returned to me, for one last chance to redeem yourself– this, too, finally, I have anticipated, my son.

JOR-EL: The Kryptonian prophecy will be at last fulfilled.

[recalling Jor-El’s blessing] JOR-EL: You will make my strength your own– see my life through your eyes, as your life will be seen through mine.

JOR-EL: The son becomes the father – the father becomes the son.

HeroesjourneyAtonement


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Cimmorene remembers: Sacrifice (…the father becomes the son.)

From REBLOG: …the father becomes the son. (more thoughts) August 14, 2015:

About a week ago, Cimmorene remembered where she was during my father’s near-death experience, and the weight of the sacrifice that I made to encourage my father to resume his life, so mine could begin.

Anyone who thinks the term “soulmate” is the stuff of cheesy Hollywood romantic fairytales and is nothing but fluff and shiny optimism, I must tell you, dear readers– in my experience, it’s a lie.

It’s true that Cimmorene and I remember a life together before mortality.  We remember bonds that have been forged and reforged many times.  But for all the light, wonderment, and immense awe, there is sorrow, darkness, and pain.  There is anticipation of regret even before the blood, sweat, and tears began.

As usual, she remembered something I did not.  She said that for that small moment, it was like I wasn’t there anymore.  After much reflection, I remembered that I didn’t want to leave her side, but I had to.  I had to.  Much planning, work, and preparations were at risk.

It was a shock when I saw him.  He was wandering around aimlessly, obviously not in his body.  He was NOT supposed to be here.

“What are you doing here?  You need to go back, and be my father, just as we planned!”

“I’m tired.  I hurt.  I don’t want to go back to a broken body.”

“But you need to go back!  We agreed!”

If he died, I would have to start all over again.  Everything we had planned on would have to be redone.  My life would have a completely different foundation.

It was obvious that I was not going to persuade him by plans of the future.  I would have to appeal to his here and now.

“What about your family now?  Won’t they miss you?”

I didn’t know the ties of mortality yet.  But even his present family ties didn’t seem to be enough.  I needed something more.

“I… I will carry a part of that pain for you.”

“You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes… yes, I do.”

Cimmorene said we took time to ratify it with Father.  I was reminded that it was a heavy sacrifice; that I might regret this decision.  I said I was sure.  I was told that my choice was right.

And so my father chose to live.  We helped him back into his body and said our goodbyes for the moment being.  Some time after he departed from us, then, Cimmy said, then, I wept.

I have only begun to realize the full weight of the pain, the suffering.  But I know that chose this.  I did it… because I had to.  No matter how much I have been tempted to regret this, I know that I had to.  But now, the empathy is visceral.  So many days we compare notes on pain.  It’s not exactly the same, of course, but much we need not explain to each other.  We live it.  Many days, he still wants to die, but I remind him he’s still needed.  The time is not yet.  It will come, most likely the moment I must begin to prepare for something more.

HeroesjourneyAtonement


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More tests/trials – my father is in the hospital

So tired.  So frazzled.  Dad had gallstones, gallbladder, appendix removed because of pancreatitis.

20h-22h Monday night, administering a religious blessing to my father, with help from his church home teacher, waiting, helping Mom get set up to stay the night– she’s still there as of an hour ago.

Very, very, very difficult to articulate this clearly.  Do not know what to say.  Some on Twitter know.  Have no idea if you dear readers have seen what I’ve said.  Feel alone.  Feel scared, angry.  CPS worker visited today.  Very tired from cleaning up house.  Daughter does not want to help, ignoring Cimmy and I.

Okay then.


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…the father becomes the son. (more thoughts)

[ADDENDUM: 11 January, 2015]  When my father first told me of his near-death experience, many years ago, a flash of memory hit me, like a curtain being drawn from my mind, to reveal the light of the morning sun.

I remember begging, pleading with him, to go back, so that I would have a chance to be.  I did not remember all, but over the years, I came to know the deep sacrifices that were made in those moments.  I would revisit them when he nearly died, again, and each time I climbed up on the surgeon’s table, the last time being the 7th of January, 2015.

This is my Atonement with the Father.

JOR-EL: Once, when you were small, I died, while giving you a chance for life.

It was a shock when I saw him.  He was wandering around aimlessly, obviously not in his body.  He was NOT supposed to be here.

“What are you doing here?  You need to go back, and be my father, just as we planned!”

“I’m tired.  I hurt.  I don’t want to go back to a broken body.”

“But you need to go back!  We agreed!”

My father first got really sick in 1992, when I was hundreds of miles away going to college in Rexburg, Idaho.  When I crashed out of school and took the rebound to community college, I came home one day to see him carried out on a stretcher into an ambulance.

Almost two decades passed and he got really, really sick again.  As in deathly ill.  He could barely move and he grew a beard because he didn’t feel well enough to even shave.  “Not now,” I thought.  “I still need you.”  But I talked with my youngest sister about it, and we made peace with it; we were ready to bury him if that was really to be.

I sent him pictures of me and my son to try to cheer him up.  He was in really bad shape.

A Boy and His Dad

It was obvious that I was not going to persuade him by plans of the future.  I would have to appeal to his here and now.

“What about your family now?  Won’t they miss you?”

That seemed to be more persuasive.  He softened a bit and looked more ready to turn back.

Dad found a specialist in Walla Walla that seemed to know what was going on, finally, and he recovered.

JOR-EL: And now, even though it will exhaust the final energy left within me…

CLARK
(turns frightened)
Father, no!

JOR-EL
Look at me, Kal-El!

“Wait, before you go.  I have to do something.  I… I will carry a part of that pain for you.”

“You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes… yes, I do.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I do.  I promise, I will help you.”

“Very well.”

My back was thrashed– not too long  after my son was born, I found out that some of the discs in my spine were wearing out, and one was being crushed like a pancake, pinching the nerve (sciatic) in my right leg.  In the first week of October in 2009, I had a fusion surgery, but the nerve damage was done.

I found myself comparing notes with my father on pain.

JOR-EL: The Kryptonian prophecy will be at last fulfilled. The son becomes the father – the father becomes the son.

My father later apologized to Cimmorene, and to me, for his mistreatment of me in the past.  He got it.  Things would never be the same again.

HeroesjourneyAtonement


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The son becomes the father…

Atonement… becoming one with someone, is a process. I still find myself disciplining my son by the ugly traditions of my father, and his father before him. I do not feel courage attempting to break the cycle; I feel weak. Afraid. I feel anger towards my son sometimes, but it is really anger towards myself, and my father. It is hard to loosen that terrified grip, to submit, and be free.

the tao of jaklumen

I would have put “10-year blogging journey” in the title, but that was starting to become clunky, and so I omitted it.  But just for your reference, dear readers, I’m picking up where I left off from New Life and the VOX years.

“One must have a faith that the father is merciful, and then a reliance on that mercy.” — Joseph Campbell

I had very mixed feelings about having a boy in my family.  Memories of being bullied by boys was too fresh in my mind.  Middle-school classmates called me “faggot” and “queer”, and chastised me for discovering I was into hardcore porn.  I was deathly afraid for years that the homoerotic aspects of my otherwise heterosexual fantasies would be discovered.  It took me a lot just to admit this to Cimmorene, much less to anyone else.  I also repressed a lot of memories of my father beating…

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Preston meets with Father: Beginning of the Return

The unplugged week is over, but I still need time to get things done and prepare for spinal cord stimulator therapy.  Please continue to enjoy these posts (even if you’ve read them before).

It is explained a few times at this point in the film, in Preston’s meetings with Jurgen (Preston saying so) and with Dupont (Dupont saying so), that Father has never granted an audience with anyone, as the risk of assassination is too great.

But Preston gives an offer that cannot be refused: he will turn in all the leaders of the Resistance in exchange for a meeting with Father.

Preston sets up the triple-cross by calling the Vice-Council to return in the leaders of the Resistance

 

Preston is visibly holding Mary O’Brien’s ribbon, symbolic of her favor as the Goddess

Preston wears a white uniform instead of the usual black of the Senior Cleric, symbolizing his transformation to Champion of the Resistance is complete.

However, he finds that he must pass the same Challenge that Jurgen administered: another polygraph test.  The first question he is posed is “more of a riddle”, as the examiner says: “What would you say is the easiest way to get a weapon away from a Grammaton Cleric?”

He is shocked to find Brandt answering the question for him: “You ask him for it.”  He smiles and winks to Preston with a taunt.  “I told you, I’d make my career with you, Cleric.”

“Brandt’s job was simple,” Father (Sean Pertwee, son of Dr. Who‘s Jon Pertwee) explains from a telescreen, “to make you feel like you’d won.”  He explains it was his idea all along to infiltrate the Resistance with a Cleric who could feel, but didn’t know it yet.

“But, we’ve never met,” claims Preston.  Then the second rude awakening comes: the image of Father switches to Vice-Council Dupont, who reveals that the original Father had died and he had assumed his place.

NEXT POST IN THE SERIES: Not Without Incident: Master of Two Worlds and Crossing the Return Threshold

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A Hero’s Journey: More Atonment with the Father

My father is still struggling with the will to live.

I called him today to ask if he was hurting like I was with the weather today, and he was in tears towards the end of our conversation.

I am not sure what to say other than that.


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…the father becomes the son.

JOR-EL: Once, when you were small, I died, while giving you a chance for life.

It was a shock when I saw him.  He was wandering around aimlessly, obviously not in his body.  He was NOT supposed to be here.

“What are you doing here?  You need to go back, and be my father, just as we planned!”

“I’m tired.  I hurt.  I don’t want to go back to a broken body.”

“But you need to go back!  We agreed!”

My father first got really sick in 1992, when I was hundreds of miles away going to college in Rexburg, Idaho.  When I crashed out of school and took the rebound to community college, I came home one day to see him carried out on a stretcher into an ambulance.

Almost two decades passed and he got really, really sick again.  As in deathly ill.  He could barely move and he grew a beard because he didn’t feel well enough to even shave.  “Not now,” I thought.  “I still need you.”  But I talked with my youngest sister about it, and we made peace with it; we were ready to bury him if that was really to be.

I sent him pictures of me and my son to try to cheer him up.  He was in really bad shape.

A Boy and His Dad

It was obvious that I was not going to persuade him by plans of the future.  I would have to appeal to his here and now.

“What about your family now?  Won’t they miss you?”

That seemed to be more persuasive.  He softened a bit and looked more ready to turn back.

Dad found a specialist in Walla Walla that seemed to know what was going on, finally, and he recovered.

JOR-EL: And now, even though it will exhaust the final energy left within me…

CLARK
(turns frightened)
Father, no!

JOR-EL
Look at me, Kal-El!

“Wait, before you go.  I have to do something.  I… I will carry a part of that pain for you.”

“You don’t have to do this.”

“Yes… yes, I do.”

“No, you don’t.”

“I do.  I promise, I will help you.”

“Very well.”

My back was thrashed– not too long  after my son was born, I found out that some of the discs in my spine were wearing out, and one was being crushed like a pancake, pinching the nerve (sciatic) in my right leg.  In the first week of October in 2009, I had a fusion surgery, but the nerve damage was done.

I found myself comparing notes with my father on pain.

JOR-EL: The Kryptonian prophecy will be at last fulfilled. The son becomes the father – the father becomes the son.

My father later apologized to Cimmorene, and to me, for his mistreatment of me in the past.  He got it.  Things would never be the same again.

HeroesjourneyAtonementNEXT POST IN THE SERIES: A Blogger’s Journey: Seizing the Sword/Grasping the Hammer


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Preston meets with Father: Beginning of the Return

It is explained a few times at this point in the film, in Preston’s meetings with Jurgen (Preston saying so) and with Dupont (Dupont saying so), that Father has never granted an audience with anyone, as the risk of assassination is too great.

But Preston gives an offer that cannot be refused: he will turn in all the leaders of the Resistance in exchange for a meeting with Father.

Preston sets up the triple-cross by calling the Vice-Council to return in the leaders of the Resistance

 

Preston is visibly holding Mary O’Brien’s ribbon, symbolic of her favor as the Goddess

Preston wears a white uniform instead of the usual black of the Senior Cleric, symbolizing his transformation to Champion of the Resistance is complete.

However, he finds that he must pass the same Challenge that Jurgen administered: another polygraph test.  The first question he is posed is “more of a riddle”, as the examiner says: “What would you say is the easiest way to get a weapon away from a Grammaton Cleric?”

He is shocked to find Brandt answering the question for him: “You ask him for it.”  He smiles and winks to Preston with a taunt.  “I told you, I’d make my career with you, Cleric.”

“Brandt’s job was simple,” Father (Sean Pertwee, son of Dr. Who‘s Jon Pertwee) explains from a telescreen, “to make you feel like you’d won.”  He explains it was his idea all along to infiltrate the Resistance with a Cleric who could feel, but didn’t know it yet.

“But, we’ve never met,” claims Preston.  Then the second rude awakening comes: the image of Father switches to Vice-Council Dupont, who reveals that the original Father had died and he had assumed his place.

NEXT POST IN THE SERIES: Not Without Incident: Master of Two Worlds and Crossing the Return Threshold