the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero

Full body fire.  Or pins.  Or numbness.  It varies.

Descending further down the Abyss (Transitions)

5 Comments

I now have a collapsing disc just above the fused vertebrae, and awful swelling around the bone graft of the fusion.

Just how far can the pain go?

Thinking on my experiences with domestic violence— yes, sadly, that is a thing I’ve witnessed, and experienced.  Lindsay Fischer (then as Sarafina Bianco) and Amy Thompson welcomed me into #domesticviolencechat, another Twitter chat that intersected with the #sexabusechat community.  I wasn’t sure I fit in, at first… much like the other Twitter communities I mentioned.  But I was nevertheless accepted.

We’re all wondering where Timothy (@GerhardTimothy) is and that he’s okay.  I especially value the conversations we had, because then it was easier to feel okay as a man in the chat discussions.

I’ve told Amy a little bit about my experience, but haven’t told anyone else much in full.  That will change, soon.  I think Lindsay and Amy encourage my perspective (they’ve said this to me numerous times in various ways) because it adds more scope to the issue.  It’s not just a woman’s issue, and it’s not just an issue between couples.  In my experience, it involves generations of families- although such matters are usually discussed in abuse contexts (child abuse, adult abuse, etc.)

I think it’s also time to bring out the Redemption of the Four Kingdoms material.  It’s long overdue, actually– if many of you remember my teasings and many cryptic references to it, I’ll be amazed.

But so much of this writing is difficult to do when I am drowning in wave after wave of agonizing pain.  I’ll have to do it in bits and pieces.  I’ll probably write posts that I feel are lacking in quality, although I want to cut down on the perfectionistic traps and toxic habits mingled in such thinking.

I will try to sleep now, dear readers… it’s 02:39 as of this writing where I am.  I hope the pain will ebb, and the terrifying nightmares stop.  Only about a week ago, I dreamt I was molested and raped.  Again.  In a different way.  It felt so real, but I’d never experienced it in real life.  How?

Author: jaklumen

Wherever you see "jaklumen", that's me. The username is still unique as of 2016, so it's just me, and only me. It's the real me, because I'm bad at faking otherwise.

5 thoughts on “Descending further down the Abyss (Transitions)

  1. I can only imagine the pain you are in. I hope you are able to find some relief soon, please take care!

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  2. You and your family have so much trauma to deal with and so much on-going healing… I wish you all the best and have so much appreciation for how openly you share in the #sexabusechat and #domesticviolencechat each week. The perspective from which you speak isn’t an issue with us (except obviously we won’t tolerate abusers and trolls upsetting our safe space); we appreciate all views, because even though we have been through abuse and trauma, we never experience it, react to, or recover from it in the same way. We can be a sounding board for each other in a place where we know we can what we need to without being judged and ostracized, but also that we will get support we might be lacking elsewhere in our lives. Plus we get to meet some pretty awesome people and be endlessly inspired and encouraged by each other – and when we’re receding into self-blame mode, we can remind each other about the reality of the situation and brought back closer to center.

    We especially appreciate hearing from male survivors of abuse, because although we don’t know how deep it goes, we know that there is so much more stigma for men speaking out and that it takes courage for you to share openly. Society for some reason seems to think that the ideal of masculinity is more important than safety, and their response is generally to mock, judge, ridicule and emasculate / call your masculinity into account instead of comforting, showing support, and getting you help. And I swear I don’t understand this; I find it completely disgusting, cruel, and arrogant on the part of those who do it. Those of you who do use your voice and speak out show those who might be going through it or have gone through it that there are people they can talk to. No one deserves to be abused. Man or woman, adult or child, rich or poor, drug/alcohol use or not, LGBT…… No one. We all deserve safety and compassion.

    In regards to the physical pain you have to tolerate as best as you can, I’m sure I have no comprehension how much pain there is, but even with what I deal with from the migraines and leg issues from my ex’s abuse, it can’t even come close.

    You (and your family) are way stronger than any of you give yourselves credit for.

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    • Sweet Amy, I couldn’t have asked for a better affirmation.

      I think I enjoy our music shop talk most of all, actually. One of these days, when more of us can meet together, I’d like to arrange some time that some of us could create music. If it’s done right, I think that would really further the message.

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