the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero

TMFI, Mom

2 Comments

I work very hard not to badmouth or backbite.  Sometimes, though, I feel I have to share the “holy schmoly, did this person REALLY just say that?”  Now, because I’m assuming you haven’t dug through my blog archives (because the last time that happened to me, I got me a pervy female stalker)– I will tell you that usually, the person I name is Crazy Aunt.  Crazy Aunt who I haven’t actually spoken to in years, but, y’know, because she’s married to Dad’s older brother, more often than not, I hear some whack quote she said from him.

Oh, but no.  Not this time.

Cimmy was in a funk so I took her to lunch, picking up some images of my spine along the way.  (The why for those images is a story for another time.)  We decided to stop by my folks’ house to grab some frozen/canned goods– some of which we had helped to preserve.  We couldn’t linger very long, because our kids were getting home from school.  In fact, we had to call our daughter and ask her to watch for her brother’s school bus.  (He’s on the SpEd bus route, and the driver will take him back to school if someone doesn’t show her that they are home for him.)

My mother proceeded, on our way out the door, to tell us a bizarre tale about the co-worker who apparently will take her place once Mom retires from Social Security in May.  She warned us with a “normally I wouldn’t tell you this, but since you don’t know this person, I’m going to tell you anyways…” and although she was talking to Cimmorene (or at least Cimmy thought she was talking to just her), I said, “okay, TMI warning, go ahead,” well, we were not ready for what came next.

Apparently, co-worker’s vagina and bladder (anus? I forget) were falling out, and she needed a bladder sling put in AND a hysterectomy done at the same time…

Oh dear God.  WAY TOO MUCH FUCKING INFORMATION.

But since Cimmy and I are sick fucks, we pondered it out loud on the car ride home, far from her ears.  (Ironically, see, she’d complain that WE were sick.)  Cimmy said it was like she pulled out a frozen herring and slapped us with it.  I said, ‘no, I think it’s more like she pulled a frozen herring out of her vagina and slapped us with it.’  Cimmy pointed out that then it wouldn’t be so frozen anymore.  (I’m not so sure of that, but, y’know…)  We then proceeded to discuss the eww of mixed slime and the smell of real fish with… hot tuna.

Yes, dear readers, the only way to recover from someone telling us something disgusting is to make it even MORE disgusting.

Shout-outs to Aussa Lorens.  Seriously, she asked recently if we would be brave enough to talk smack about our crazy workplaces as she has (ironically, hers is a psych ward!)… well, we aren’t employed in the public workforce, but, this is what we’ve got.

I’m not too big on blog prompt questions, still, it seems.  If you’ve got a story where you saw or heard something you can’t bleach your brain enough from, please let me know in the comments.  Please tell me before I trot out the story about Hannah at LiveJournal making a post about a Valentine’s card with fanfic about Snape buggering Harry Potter, and that she thought it was funny as hell.  Oh wait, I just did.  Seriously… please share, dear readers.  Surely some of you have freakish family members who can’t seem to control what comes out of their mouths.  (Bitter bonus points if it was a family member that abused you… yes, dark sardonic humor…)

Author: jaklumen

Wherever you see "jaklumen", that's me. The username is still unique as of 2016, so it's just me, and only me. It's the real me, because I'm bad at faking otherwise.

2 thoughts on “TMFI, Mom

  1. Ay, Dios mio! Que asco! Muy comico. 🙂

    Like

Walk with me, talk with me. Leave a reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s