the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero

The son becomes the father…

3 Comments

Atonement… becoming one with someone, is a process. I still find myself disciplining my son by the ugly traditions of my father, and his father before him. I do not feel courage attempting to break the cycle; I feel weak. Afraid. I feel anger towards my son sometimes, but it is really anger towards myself, and my father. It is hard to loosen that terrified grip, to submit, and be free.

the tao of jaklumen

I would have put “10-year blogging journey” in the title, but that was starting to become clunky, and so I omitted it.  But just for your reference, dear readers, I’m picking up where I left off from New Life and the VOX years.

“One must have a faith that the father is merciful, and then a reliance on that mercy.” — Joseph Campbell

I had very mixed feelings about having a boy in my family.  Memories of being bullied by boys was too fresh in my mind.  Middle-school classmates called me “faggot” and “queer”, and chastised me for discovering I was into hardcore porn.  I was deathly afraid for years that the homoerotic aspects of my otherwise heterosexual fantasies would be discovered.  It took me a lot just to admit this to Cimmorene, much less to anyone else.  I also repressed a lot of memories of my father beating…

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Author: jaklumen

Wherever you see "jaklumen", that's me. The username is still unique as of 2016, so it's just me, and only me. It's the real me, because I'm bad at faking otherwise.

3 thoughts on “The son becomes the father…

  1. It can be SO HARD to break the cycle, especially when it is not simply (or rather not-so-simply) a matter of learned behavior, but also part of an underlying mental illness over which we only have partial control, and also a part of the human condition. At times, I have poor impulse control and rage uncontrollably. The look of fear in my son’s eyes tears at me. But, to seek to do better, to own our errs, to acknowledge our sins, to atone — that is HUGE, truly. I have apologized to my son when I’ve lost it. I work very hard to be the best mother than I can be. I will pray for you and your son, for me and mine, for us – all of us, all of humanity – and our children. Never again. Never again is our goal, but we are human and doing the best that we can as parents.

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