the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero

Black Hole


I would like to know who’s reading… besides you lovely readers that comment on a regular basis.


Because I’m hurting.  Bad.  Physically, emotionally, all that rot.  And I get the feeling relatively few people care about what I have to say.  I don’t know where to pick apart what parts are bipolar mood disorder, what parts are complex PTSD, what parts are the nerve pain, on and on.

There are days I wish I had a concussion again.  I didn’t get pissed off quite as much with a concussion.

I guess I have a little good news… talked to my pain doc, I could have rescheduled the trial procedure for spinal cord stim therapy, anytime, but, his staff, they don’t have their act together (because that’s not what they told me).

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Author: jaklumen

Wherever you see "jaklumen", that's me- the username is still unique as of the current year. Be aware that the facet you see, is only a small part of the me that is me.

18 thoughts on “Black Hole

  1. I read pretty regularly, but don’t mange to comment.
    Life’s being really hard right now.
    (Tom’s having health problems.)
    Sorry to hear things are rough for you too.


  2. Hai. Sorry you’re feeling so bad. I’m relatively level at the moment but have at least two online potential eruptions going on with people I quite care for. And me a hermit.

    It’s like learning to sail. Attend to your ballast and learn the ropes. And the sea never ends and the winds are always changing.

    Jaklumen cries out
    Anybody listening?
    Can I haz replies?

    Yep we are all here
    Though not necessarily
    Right at the moment.

    Wretched crazy stuff
    Body, self, brain, confusion
    Mixed messages.

    I tend to sleep then
    Sleep and sleep and sleep and sleep
    Until it goes away.

    This is not final
    Or anything permanent
    It’s just management.



  3. We are listening, and caring.


    • I have to keep remembering this… I haven’t figured out how to tell who’s visiting when there aren’t comments. I’m sure there are ways, but I haven’t figured them all out.


  4. I’m out here, too! I don’t always manage to comment, either, I’m sorry. It’s the end (I think!) of a long hard winter and it’s getting a lot of us down. But, you are not alone!!!


  5. So sorry you are in the black hole! I’m sending over a life line so hold on tight to it and I’ll help you out of the hole. Hang in there and take it one minute at a time. Just get through each moment and do not push yourself or put yourself down. Baby steps. Paciencia Y Fe! 🙂


    • Muchas veces he pido a Dios que me bendije con más fuerza así que puedo quedarme con más paciencia y fe. Bueno, tantito más paciencia.

      I still need to learn not to be so hard on myself. Cimmy is helping me with that. Mil gracias, mi amiga.


  6. Gah. Chronic pain is the worst (and mine is mild. I can’t imagine what you go through.)

    Please don’t peg views or comments on any particular post to your own value in the community or as a person. You’re worth much much more than that.
    And if there’s anything I can do for you, let me know.


    • I’ve been very fortunate that I found a few bloggers at C4C that very much relate, and that I don’t have to explain too much to… Joy (joy2pain) comes immediately to mind, along with a few others. I remember we were chatting about how it’s difficult to get more than one post out each day on a good week.

      And… you’re right. It just gets really difficult when these health issues are socially isolating– in a society that already seems to be becoming more insular. I mean, the people I see at church tomorrow, I’ll be lucky if I see them the rest of the week. They get wrapped up in work, family, etc. as I’m pretty sure we all do.

      Today was good, though, and as I keep saying, I’ll share some pictures soon that will illustrate that easily enough.


  7. Toni-san, you honor me with your kind words. Some of the difficulty is that I am aware that friends and family are suffering. These things you’re dealing with, well, I’ve experienced similar, so I know they are not easy or minor things. Actually, I was talking to my youngest sister about this– my folks are struggling with getting my mom’s parents fully sorted. They (my parents) moved my grandparents into assisted living, and the house hasn’t been cleared out just yet. It is difficult because of my father’s long-term illness and my mother has Parkinson’s, now. She is set to retire in a few years and my sister and I know this will be a huge adjustment for both of them. This is the tip of the iceberg, of course; there’s more to the story.

    Your prayers and meditations are most welcome. Your expressions of faith are mutually felt, too. Cimmy could tell you that some nights the pain and suffering brings me to cry out loud, “Jesus, my Master, have mercy on me!” I know our God is mindful of me, my family, and my friends… I’m learning still it’s all for my good, even if I can’t see the full picture of the tapestry from each of the individual threads, to see how each drop of blood, sweat, and tears forms that picture… even if I can’t see that many of those drops aren’t even mine.


  8. You are right about the trees, by the way… I should have a closer look at the cherry orchard near our neighborhood block. I do see what is slowly coming back in my own yard, though, including the apple, quince and plum trees we planted.

    Cimmy and the kids helped me mulch the twisted willow in the backyard yesterday and today. Photos will be forthcoming 🙂


  9. Chronic pain is tough. And, like El Guapo, mine is mild, well controlled with drugs….druuuuugs….so severe chronic pain…..yuk.

    It has only been above freezing here, so nothing is budding yet. But, I have seen a few very small patches of dead brown grass and some mud. Which is progress.


  10. Just letting you know that I am reading via email notifications from WP. I admit I do not understand all the posts, and those I kind of skim thru but I do read the ones you post about your struggles and joys of you and your family. I also read my email notifications of your tech blog too. Thanks for sharing your posts.


    • That is totally okay– I know I’m writing about deep and heavy stuff. I just have to keep reminding myself that doesn’t translate to a lot of comments.

      Thank you for continuing to read my tech blog! It actually was something started by a VOX friend that she eventually handed over to me. Is there anything you’d like to see more of there? I am trying to keep it straightfoward.


  11. Cap’n! The crew be comin’ from th’ woodwork, sir!
    Seriously, m’love, people love you. It’s just that they don’t always know what to say in response.


    • I guess. Despite being a bit shy and rather retiring, there are some days where I wish I could gather more comments– not in the 84-250 range, but, well, a regular dozen would be nice.

      I don’t like being so complicated sometimes


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