the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero

The continued loneliness of a SAHD


I can’t remember where I last talked about this… only that I got a rather flippant reply when I did.

I am sick and bloody tired of the stigma that is attached to Stay-At-Home-Dads, and househusbands. I don’t like answering the typical guy question: “So, what do you do for a living?” They are never satisfied with my honest answers.

I enjoy being a parent. But EVERY SINGLE magazine I pick up is “Mom.” “Mom.” “Mommy.” “Mom.” and it’s blatantly obvious in the advertisements, as if Madison Avenue believes that all dads still will have nothing to do directly with their children– because that’s Mom’s job. Sure, there are articles about SAHDs and such, but far, far, far too many keep the taboo in place.

One of the magazines I subscribe to myself is WIRED, and I read some of the blogs connected to it. One is “GeekDad”. For a while, that’s all there was. But some little shits had to bitch and whine about all the women that were contributing to the blog. No, they could not tell themselves “It says Geek Dad, but it’s become a blog for all Geek Parents.” So, GeekMom came into existence.

Quite a few of the contributors seem like they want to break down the walls, but the divide persists. I cringed when Jonathan Liu demurred and said he just “happened” to be working at home to be a SAHD. I hate it when dads make excuses to duck the lingering stigma. And then, over at GeekMom… well, they really do have the Mom bias in some ways because they are the ones that are talking the most about kids issues, and most of the regular commenters are women.

On a slightly different note, my world is estrogen-soaked. There aren’t many guys in my daily activities I can relate to. I can’t help it. Stereotypical guy stuff costs $$$– especially what many in my men’s group at church do. Firearms: $$$. 4X4 wheelin’: $$$. Fishing: $$$. Paintball: $$$. And so on.

What do I typically do? I do water aerobics and yoga for injury rehab. But of course: the vast overwhelming majority of participants are women. Yes, we have a few guys here and there, but the regulars are rare– only 1 or 2. The others that have come by just leave, and I know it’s partly because we guys are just not enough in number there, and partly it is because they go have to get “other stuff done”, but I’m still sure the two go hand in hand.

I’d love to get back into martial arts. I could do karate for free at the gym, but… really, no, really, I want to get involved with tai chi and Chinese martial arts. But… that still costs $$$– $$$ for the community classes, or $80/month to study at the one studio in the area that teaches Chinese forms.

Ugh. This seems like a pointless rant. Whatever.

Author: jaklumen

Wherever you see "jaklumen", that's me- the username is still unique as of the current year. Be aware that the facet you see, is only a small part of the me that is me.

6 thoughts on “The continued loneliness of a SAHD

  1. Blarrrrrghhhhhhh!! Stereotypes!!!!!
    People make so many assumptions about other people!
    Your work is so incredibly important and it’s awful that your environment is stereotype-loaded. It’s such a restrictive situation, must be very confining.

    Wish I had suggestions about how to get into activities that you want, without the money thing. I can’t spend anything either, so I know how impossible it is/can be to participate in stuff that sooooooo many other people take for granted.

    If it’s any consolation (and I’m sure it isn;t) I miss men, too. I worked with men, mostly, for a couple of decades. I liked being around them. Now I rarely see people and the ones I do see are usually the ones at the supermarket, etc., mostly women. Men and women are so incredibly different (in spite of everything we have in common).


    Ummm….those are gender-neutral hugs.


    • Oh, hugs of any kind are always welcomed. Friends and family have always been so sweet to ask for them and say how much they like them… well, they mean a lot to me.


  2. Not pointless at all. And, besides, you’re entitled!


  3. Hi! Kathy from GeekMom (and GeekDad) here. I appreciate seeing your comments on our blog. And I just wanted to set the record straight about the creation of GeekMom. It was totally the doing of the four women on GeekDad’s contributor list. We decided it would be nice to have a place to discuss some topics in ways that were different than the GeekDad style, and when we were given the opportunity, we took it! Nobody drove us away — and in fact the four of us continue to write for GeekDad regularly. We also crosspost one piece from GeekMom every day, as I’m sure you know. (The trolls complain, but we don’t listen.) We’ve think we’ve built ourselves a nice little niche over at GeekMom, and we’re glad you come and visit and add to our discussions!


    • Hi Kathy. Thanks for the clarification.

      I still sense a divide of sorts, though, one that I guess is just there regardless. I mean, I think you and the other “GeekMoms” have posted some articles that are really at the heart of parenting concerns, but then I find myself disappointed that there is not a lot of feedback from dads. There still seems to be this unwritten rule that divides what moms and dads take priority on.

      I will still continue to reply and hope that other dads will feel more comfortable to say more in the future. (Oh, and I have this sneaking suspicion that most of the trolls aren’t parents… or lack confidence in their parenting.)


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