the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero

Actually, it still hurts.

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Same rules still apply from this post: please, just between friends, this is just about me.

The context: I think I must be repeating myself.  I have been removed and blocked by someone else.  I can only guess at the reasons.

Right, I can take a hint… although a hint is all that I'm getting.  But out goes both of them.  And I don't like that.  I don't like things ending badly, but if they don't want to talk to me anymore, okay… I guess that's that.

Here's where the really sensitive part starts.  But please, I say this only to frame my point of view.  And again, this is why I shy away from posting very much (if at all) about the following topics:

1. Religion
2. Sex/Sexuality
3. Politics
4. Money/Finances

And it is a case of #2.  I don't care if it's classified as art, "erotica", or "pornography".  If it's something that sparks a reaction that is troublesome for me– if it's triggering– well, it is.  Now, there have been a few in the Neighborhood (maybe a few of you dear readers reading right now) that have posted a picture or two that has been on the racy or slightly risqué side.  But no… be at peace… I'm not speaking of you.

It is easy enough to ignore the occasional picture– but when it's, say, weekly… well, that sort of regularity is difficult to ignore.

Suffice it to say, but… I thought an understanding had been reached.  Just like in the last post, it was a joke that had gone too far, too far and had poked me in a painful spot.  I made my intentions clear, and stated that I was uncomfortable. The response was more than I expected, but I breathed a sigh of relief… the pictures were gone.  Perhaps I did wrong in making my identity known when things were explained publicly, but I wanted to be clear that I was ready to be fully accountable for my own feelings and thoughts.

Now, don't get me wrong, this person continued to ask for my input, and I answered as best I could without seeming too imposing.  But… then I was blocked, and all of the old pictures were back.

Now… the really, really sensitive part.  You are most welcome to stop reading if you wish, because it's really painful for me here.

My mother and father exposed themselves to me when I was six years old, in the interest of sexual education.  Yes, as in they showed me the parts on themselves.  I had very little understanding of what was going on, what it was supposed to mean, how it was relevant, and so on.  And my mother especially was aggressive about pointing things out.  I was young, curious, and I couldn't understand why my hand kept getting slapped.

It didn't help that when the more I understood it all, the more tight-lipped my parents became… probably more so my father.  At the time, it seemed like a sense of modesty went up all of sudden– well, more at different times for each of them, but what had been dumped so thoroughly in my lap became shameful and taboo.

And I reacted much like many abused people do.  I won't harrow your minds with the details… they just get worse.

Perhaps the two are angry with Cimmorene, and with her recent rant.  Now I was worried about her strident tone, but… that's really how she can be when she gets frustrated, and yet, even if it was not the epitome of manners, she took full accountability for her opinions being hers.  So if it's a case of guilt by association by any means, well, I find that petty.  She's her own woman.  Yes, she's married to me, but she's her own woman.  She's wearing the big girl pants just fine, if you get my meaning.

Why yes, I do happen to agree with her– it's just a cutting the crap, no beating around the bush, no-nonsense way she puts things.  No, not terribly diplomatic, but it was quite clear.

The fallout was still petty.  People I thought I had trusted.  People I thought had understood.  I guess not.  But life goes on.  I'll forget about it eventually, even if it takes me ages longer before they do.  I hold very bad grudges when I do hold them, even for years, but I assure you isn't usually not likely… and… if you were in my shoes, would you blame me?  Really?

I will do my best to handle it with grace and dignity, and try to do my best to be above reproach.  And yes, I should get over it.

But that hurt.

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Author: jaklumen

Wherever you see "jaklumen", that's me- the username is still unique as of the current year. Be aware that the facet you see, is only a small part of the me that is me.

5 thoughts on “Actually, it still hurts.

  1. I don't know what's going on, but I consider you a great friend and am so sorry for your pain.

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  2. Yeah, it's not really important that you do know… it is probably better that you don't. And it seems to happen to me often enough. I wish it didn't, but it seems to be a means of showing those who are the "fair weather" friends, and those who genuinely care.I had some warning signs. I wish them no ill will– they have their problems, too, and I do sincerely feel bad for them and wish them well. I just wish it hadn't panned out the way it did.

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  3. ugh. Trish is a bad blogger friend. I meant to come back to this post and make a comment after reading and commenting on Cimmy's post. I forgot….like I forget so many things lately. 50 lashes with a wet noodle. ow ow ow!Yes, I tried to make you smile about an uncomfortable subject.I'm sorry that people have decided to block you instead of trying to find a happy medium. If the person that blocked you is who I think it is—well that person has issues in their past too that might make it impossible for you two to find a solid middle ground. Or, it could be someone that I have no clue about as our neighbor's list do not match person for person; neighbor for neighbor. I know that I have a neighbor who puts out a bunch of nothing everyday or every other day. I generally don't read any of it because, well, because that kind of stuff does nothing for me. However, if that neighbor posts something that I may find interesting…well, then I check it out.I like you. You add a different outlook on life that makes me take pause and think. I have posted some things that you threw back at me and 'demanded' (as much as you can demand over the internet) an explanation. Do I remember right now what those things were? Nope. But, I bet when I am writing about something along those lines a little voice inside me will remember to offer a quick explanation… (you know, in parentheses, just to clarify because sometimes the words without the explanation could be construed as mean or spiteful or any number of things..) (oh, and I tend to ramble, too…which makes me lose my train of thought—like I have right now.) (ah, got it)….so the reader of the post will know where I'm coming from. Anyway. I hate that you've been blocked. I know my feelings would be hurt if any of my neighbors blocked me. I might even try to send them a message asking what I'd done to tick them off so much. But really, these people, on the other end of the keyboard—why do we let them have so much control over our lives? No, really. I belong to a couple of different 'groups' on-line. I've met some of the people on these groups. I've discovered that if I had met these people in real life—I probably would not try to build a friendship with them. So, why then, do I let the fact that I reached out for help and NO ONE, not a single one of the 20+ women in the group threw me a life line…why do I let that bother me? I don't know but it does. It didn't just bother me, it hurt my feelings. And it taught me a lesson. Still can't depend on 'strangers' to help out in a time of need….where was I going with this (I'm sure you really want to know…) oh. So, even though you probably would not have tried to build a friendship with these people in real life….it still hurts that they are blocking you. I get that. (((Hugs)))

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  4. Your observations are quite astute, Trish. I think you've got it spot on, even if you aren't certain who is involved. And who and whom they are doesn't quite matter; what you are saying does.I am reminded quite often when I am not being quite clear. That's the interesting paradox: my thoughts are so divergent as to give light to ideas less considered, but sometimes it makes it difficult to articulate my own. I'm glad that I'm able to encourage some clarity, but I hope I am not too aggressive about it.As I said before, I tend to ramble, too. I definitely relate with you on that one.

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