- Please, I ask that this be kept STRICTLY between friends
- This is about me, and only me. Though others may be mentioned, if what I say is misconstrued as ill will towards anyone, please understand that I will be upset. It is not my intention.
The context: I took offense towards a humorous post someone posted. I have since been blocked by that person.
The explanation: Quite simply put, growing up with the abuse I did, I seem to have developed a "But I'm A Good Boy" complex. I am trying to put it behind me, but it is very difficult.
I was physically, emotionally, and in some instances sexually abused by my parents as a child. I will spare you the details but I will not mince any words in saying much of what my mother did I think was emotional rape.
I do not say ANY of that lightly, to be crystal clear. I spent many years blocking much of it out, rationalizing it, whatever I had to do to move on. Feelings and emotions were stuffed deep, deep down. They say children often do not have a voice… I suppose I was one of them. Even as I begun to understand it, I don't think I have accepted it fully, even after people I trust have told me "what they did was not normal", "it was not your fault", etc. I remember a friend put it straight to the point once: "What the hell did your parents do to you that your self-esteem is so low?"
The first inkling I had was feeling a simmering rage come bubbling up to the surface from somewhere deep inside me whenever I heard a joke shaming mens' behavior. It took me a few more years to identify what I was thinking and feeling– which often went like, "They wouldn't say that if they really knew me, because I'm a good boy."
Evidently, I'm still afraid and angry. *sigh* I suppose it's as good a reminder as any, but I wish it hadn't been at the expense of someone else's feelings. I hope I am not out of line if I say that I think I understand the backlash is partly because the hurt is so mutually felt. It is hard when something out of the blue pokes you in a very sore and still very grievous inner wound… and I sincerely hope that I did not do the same when I cried out in pain.