the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero

It hurts (and I thought I was a good boy)

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  1. Please, I ask that this be kept STRICTLY between friends
  2. This is about me, and only me.  Though others may be mentioned, if what I say is misconstrued as ill will towards anyone, please understand that I will be upset.  It is not my intention.

The context: I took offense towards a humorous post someone posted.  I have since been blocked by that person.

The explanation: Quite simply put, growing up with the abuse I did, I seem to have developed a "But I'm A Good Boy" complex.  I am trying to put it behind me, but it is very difficult.

I was physically, emotionally, and in some instances sexually abused by my parents as a child.  I will spare you the details but I will not mince any words in saying much of what my mother did I think was emotional rape.

I do not say ANY of that lightly, to be crystal clear.  I spent many years blocking much of it out, rationalizing it, whatever I had to do to move on.  Feelings and emotions were stuffed deep, deep down.  They say children often do not have a voice… I suppose I was one of them.  Even as I begun to understand it, I don't think I have accepted it fully, even after people I trust have told me "what they did was not normal", "it was not your fault", etc.  I remember a friend put it straight to the point once: "What the hell did your parents do to you that your self-esteem is so low?"

The first inkling I had was feeling a simmering rage come bubbling up to the surface from somewhere deep inside me whenever I heard a joke shaming mens' behavior.  It took me a few more years to identify what I was thinking and feeling– which often went like, "They wouldn't say that if they really knew me, because I'm a good boy."

Evidently, I'm still afraid and angry.  *sigh*  I suppose it's as good a reminder as any, but I wish it hadn't been at the expense of someone else's feelings.  I hope I am not out of line if I say that I think I understand the backlash is partly because the hurt is so mutually felt.  It is hard when something out of the blue pokes you in a very sore and still very grievous inner wound… and I sincerely hope that I did not do the same when I cried out in pain.

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Author: jaklumen

Wherever you see "jaklumen", that's me- the username is still unique as of the current year. Be aware that the facet you see, is only a small part of the me that is me.

One thought on “It hurts (and I thought I was a good boy)

  1. ugh! I hate it when I unintentionally hurt someone's feelings. I am usually very quick to apologize and I strive never to hurt that person in the same way again. I have low self esteem, too. It bites so much as it makes if very hard to be my own cheerleader. It makes you a stronger person when you speak up for yourself. I wish everyone would realize that their childhood was not the same childhood that is shared by everyone. There are some that had terribly horrific abuse heaped upon them. Somehow through some way some of them make it to adulthood and parenthood seemingly well on the outside…when actually they are still hurting and crying on the inside.I am proud of you for acknowledging you hurt inner child. I am even more proud to know that you are not heaping the abuse you suffered as a child onto your two beautiful and innocent children.((((Hugs)))) because I am a hugger and I think everyone deserves at least one hug a day—if not more.


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