the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero

Time to have a chat with Morpheus

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                          <div>         A few of you I've elevated to Friends status, otherwise, you wouldn't be able to read this.  Incidentally, as I was thinking about doing so, one of you posted on the very subject.

I think I need to take a more aggressive approach and see about counseling again, although in all of my 25 years in the system (yes, really), I don't trust counselors or therapists much.  But then, since my sense of trust was wounded at such a young age, I don't trust anyone too easily much at all.

More specifically, I need to see that PTSD gets back into my paperwork.  My last long-term p-doc spoke to me at some length about it, but I sincerely doubt in my shuffle between community mental health agencies since then, that it is even referenced at all in my current diagnosis.  I won't take no for an answer, though, or let them flip shit at me that I must be mistaken.  I've been having too many nightmares, whether I'm asleep or not.

To be very blunt, my parents physically, emotionally, and to an extent sexually abused me and I'm still struggling to cope with it.  It does me no good to be angry with them now, although my father acknowledges he did wrong.  (My mother… I could wait forever and never get anything.  But that's a different story.)

To Val and others who remember me talking about my bigoted grandfather, well, he is apparently pissed at me because when I said "bork" as in the Swedish Chef (his e-mails have been put through a filter that reads like the Swedish Chef of the Muppets is saying them), he thought I said "dork" when I wrote him a very terse e-mail saying I thought his mass e-mail praising Michael Richards for dropping the N-bomb as a "proud white" was inappropriate.  (Ironically, the actor himself seems quite traumatized about the aftermath; according to Wikipedia, when he did a sketch parodying the incident, he had to have help from a therapist because he cried after every take.)  Now my mother is very, very upset with him.  I understand the conversation involved shouting and stuff.

That's just edges of the iceberg but I won't elaborate too much about my very dysfunctional extended family.  Some of you have read plenty on it, the new two… I'm sure you can imagine without me rehashing that garbage.  So… it's time to sort it once and for all, however long that takes.

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Author: jaklumen

Wherever you see "jaklumen", that's me- the username is still unique as of the current year. Be aware that the facet you see, is only a small part of the me that is me.

6 thoughts on “Time to have a chat with Morpheus

  1. Good for you. It takes lots of courage to face the horrors of our past, but you aren't lacking in that department.

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  2. (((hugs))) It is important that our medical history goes with us wherever we go. This is so our doctor can look in our chart and see what medicines have been used, the 'history' part and if we have sought out a mental health professional. I feel it is important that all doctors know about the other doctors and the meds that have been prescribed. PTSD—we were watching a show last night…and one of the characters found a pair of nunchucks. He started swinging them around and I felt a 'crushing can't breathe need to run and get out of there' pressure in my chest. I managed to 'hide' it from Chris and Jordan and I did not run even though every fiber of my being was screaming. I am always amazed when 'things' from my first marriage show up unexpectedly in today's life and I have such a negative reaction. For the most part I don't think about life back then and when I do it is difficult to remember how I had the perseverance to survive what I survived. (One of the ways my ex intimidated me was to practice his karate moves and his nunchucks prowess I just stood there as he used me as a sparring 'partner'. "I'm not going to hit you. You have to trust me."

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  3. Jak- I am honored to be among your friends and the people you trust. You have been vulnerable and honest and that means a great deal. Very rare in todays world. That is what I love and appreciate about my Vox neighborhood…being honest and taking my mask off. I am sad that you have been through so much and think you very courageous to continue the battle to fight on and look for answers. Much more courageous than the thoughts I had last night, when I was laying in bed, thinking that giving up and feeling no more pain would be the easy way. Of course, not for my family, just for me….selfish thoughts, I know. Your comments have helped me and your empathy has touched me. I want to be that kind of friend for you as well.

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  4. I think it's good you're considering counseling again. It's a frustrating process to find a good match, but I'm hoping for the best for you. If you can find the right therapist it can be tremendously helpful when sorting through the muck. Good luck.

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  5. Thanks! I still chuckle over the incident with my grandpa because Mom said she told him something like, "of all the non-flattering words he could have used, he could have used a lot worse." Ha! She also said something to the effect of "jak and Cimmy are the ones that still write you letters, so I don't think you want to alienate them." (We do indeed enjoy writing them notes and letters.) So progress is being made, after a fashion.

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  6. I'd read this post earlier, but didn't know what to say, except that I'm sorry for what you went through, and so very glad that you survived. Therapy is always a good idea, no matter what the issues at hand. I hope you find a good therapist.

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