the tao of jaklumen

the path of the sage must become the path of the hero

Personal demons break through.

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sigh I could see it coming.  Really, I could.  But I hoped it wouldn’t come to this… again. This time it came up in a flaming stream of indignation, rather than a smoldering rage.  So it seemed all the more embarassing.  And yet, I felt the need to just let it all out.  Normally, I would retreat for a while in a situation like, hiding until I figured everyone forgot, or if the aftermath was bad, I’d just burn bridges and cut ties… which actually, has been more frequent than not. One of my psychological reactions, at least according to the experts, is “hyper-vigilant” narcissistic personality disorder.  I can’t remember to what extent I explained things to them.  But can you blame me?  A mother cuts a son’s sense of sexuality and relationship more or less right down to the core– how else could I have reacted?  And the effects still linger… my mother doesn’t understand why Cimmy is mad at her. Don’t get me wrong, we weathered each others’ traumas, and supported each other through the flashback storms, even though it was hard to take.  There is nothing more frustrating when you want to help, but feel powerless to do so, and I’d say Cimmy feels that more often than I do, or just voices it more often… or realizes that feeling more often. I remember telling my current bishop in an e-mail about my situation… his reply?  “Your mother made a mistake and you need to forgive her.”  That’s not incorrect, but it’s a very poor damage assessment.  You don’t just go tell someone who’s experienced abuse that without providing some help in how to come to grips with it– and looking at Cimmy and others I’ve met in that boat, where abuse was more direct, if you will, I know this is a process that takes decades. Humanity is fallible.  That is the biggest struggle of faith I have had– having to rely on fallible humans.  God is not– and I know The One has transcended this by taking on the pains, infirmities, disappointments, and strife of His people.  That is something that cannot be stripped from me, because I have felt fragments of memories that had been obscured by the veil of time and mortality that say it is so.  I am sure dear family that have passed and are likely reading this weep to see me struggle with it.  I can think of one in particular– but I dare not speak her name, for I cannot let anything so intensely personal and sacred be mocked directly.  I’m not just esoteric in my beliefs– the things that I have come to know, I keep that guarded. Counseling is full… of women.  And they can’t say they wouldn’t feel the same way in my shoes… for I can’t imagine a woman that survived rape or abuse would be comfortable hashing it out with a man.  And a lot of them still adhere to a psychology I believe has been strong-armed by politics– a few of them insist that the sexuality element isn’t a reaction in any way– it’s innate, inborn, and I am self-loathing to not embrace it.  Fuck you.  You are bound as a professional to help what I consider my best interests.  I can’t pursue that and keep my wife and family– and not injure them in some way… injure them more than they might be already. I’m still bummed I lost my last case worker.  He was a real guy’s guy and very congenial– and on the same page as I was, supportive of what I’ve been doing to recover and heal.  And some things will probably change for the better with the new agency (since previous entries), but I expect there will be nonsense there too as there honestly is not enough mental health care in this area. I’m not going to my support group anymore.  One of the members backstabbed me, claiming I was condescending and pretentious.  Y’know what, that was never my intention, dude, so fuck you too.  Even if I wanted to go, the pain from the back injury has squelched my desire to go much of anywhere outside the house, and since my meds aren’t 100% covered yet, I can’t be sure I’m emotionally stable to go back into a potentially tense situation like that.  The advisor promised to call me, but he hasn’t, and I’ve never been able to call him when his voicemail is full… that is, if I call and his voicemail is full, or even if I can leave a message, he’s not going to really check it anyway.  Hah.  This is why I got a pager, so I’d never be nailed down to mobile phone voicemail bullshit games… “Oh, I never check my voicemail” crap.  It’s limited to my three city area, but that suits me just fine.  If I must have a phone, Cimmy lets me borrow her pay-as-you go, always on her suggestion.  I’ve resisted the urge to buy one of my own, but I’m happy to buy minutes and put them in if she needs me to. I don’t know what else to say.  It’s not terribly fair on me to dump on y’all like this.  At the very least, I should have vented here instead of out in the open.

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Author: jaklumen

Wherever you see "jaklumen", that's me- the username is still unique as of the current year. Be aware that the facet you see, is only a small part of the me that is me.

6 thoughts on “Personal demons break through.

  1. Oh, gosh — there's no way I can understand what you're feeling — not really – I'm just so sorry that there's no way for you to get a case worker who is like the one you lost. I guess they don't let you choose, hunh?Will you miss the support group (other than the member you mentioned)? It doesn't seem right that the advisor is so distant – phone-wise. I thought the point of it all was to provide support for people when they need it…gaah. *sigh*

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  2. Well, my outburst *was* on your blog. Some people I've blogged with consider that an invasion of their space (not they weren't involved in a lot of drama whoring, anyway), and your response was incredibly gracious.I guess they don't let you choose, hunh?Nope, often I have no choice on who manages my case files or provides counseling. Usually I've had to like it and lump it.It doesn't seem right that the advisor is so distant – phone-wise.He was excellent about calling me until I stopped coming. But… he is a farmer, and it's that time of year… if it's not specifically with business, it's with family gatherings and holiday observances. I should be able to break through eventually, though. I hope.

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  3. Nope, often I have no choice on who manages my case files or provides counseling. How can this be? Your lack of access and choice infuriates me.I wish there was more I could say. Just know that you've got invisible friends rooting for you.

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  4. . I should be able to break through eventually, though. I hope.Yes, I hope so too — that would be good — you should have access to what and who you need.

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  5. AAAAAAARRRRRRRRRGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHwhy don't people understand that if you press the secret button and say the secret word, that they shouldn't keep doing it?Damnit, I am so sorry, Robbie… this demon will not relent once it's been unleashed. Please don't consider it your fault… but I think lost dwarf and I are going to be locking horns for a while.

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  6. I really appreciate the good vibes… and I wish I knew what to do other then wait until summer, get the hell outta Dodge, and pray that the agency still serving Cimmy's hometown shaped up and got rid of that steaming pile of incompassionate shit of a doctor.

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